


I Forgave You .. Again

by bjaegseun



Category: EXO (Band)
Genre: Depression, Emotional/Psychological Abuse, M/M, Slice of Life
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-03-26
Updated: 2016-04-15
Packaged: 2018-05-29 05:27:02
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 3
Words: 2,334
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6361279
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/bjaegseun/pseuds/bjaegseun
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>
  <i></i>
</p><div class="center">
  <p>I saw the two of you walking yesterday. The love in your eyes were as pure as snow. You turned to him and smiled. A smile I have never seen before. Later that night, we were together. Your eyes were dull, so was your love. I wanted to see that love you showed him but, I was only met with lust and disgust.</p>
</div>
            </blockquote>





	1. I'm Foolish

**Author's Note:**

>   
> **WARNING:** blood, abuse, and mention of rape.  
>  If you can not handle things like that, please don't read.  
> I don't own the members of exo nor do I condone rape.  
> I just own the plot and writing.
> 
> A/N: Tao and Kris are my bias. In no way am I trying to shame their names.  
> Also, story can be found on AAF. [(click me!)](http://www.asianfanfics.com/story/view/718267/)  
> 

I saw the two of you walking yesterday. The love in your eyes were as pure as snow. You turned to him and smiled. A smile I have never seen before. Later that night, we were together. Your eyes were dull, so was your love. I wanted to see that love you showed him but, I was only met with lust and disgust. 

 

I remember when we were happy. When you would hug me, shower me with gifts, make love to me. I also remember the day that all of that changed. With one hit, we changed. You got on your knees, eyes blurred by tears, and apologized to me repeatedly. I held your face in my hands, slightly leaned forward until our lips met. 

.

.  
I forgave you. 

.

.

Everything went back to normal. Our love felt stronger but, that was a lie. We fought again. This time I fell and saw red. I brought my hands to my face and felt a warm liquid run it's course down towards my neck. After you saw what you did, you dropped to your knees once again and cradled my body in your arms. Apologizing just like the first time. Telling me those same lies. 

.

.

I forgave you. 

.

.

We started to change even more. I tried to hold on to our happiness but, as time went on, you were letting us fall. You noticed we where falling apart so you decided we should go on a date. Everything was just like old times. The happiness came back but, soon left once we made it home. 

 

One second we were passionately making out, the next second, you threw me on the bed and started to ravish my body. Tears welled in my eyes as I told you to stop. The pain was becoming unbearable. Blood was starting to soak the sheets with every bite and scratch you gave me. I started to claw at you. Any part of you that I could see, would get clawed. Deciding to finally open my eyes, I held back my tears as I was met with pure hate. 

 

Your glare was so intense that I gave in and shut my eyes once again. I stopped fighting you and let you have me. Eventually, your hands made their way around my neck. I felt my life start to slip away from me but, I guess you got control of yourself and let go. You backed away and started at me with fright in your eyes. The last thing I saw was your back running towards the door. The pain and sadness over came me. I blacked out shortly after. 

 

I was frantic once I woke up. I started looking for you but, you seemed to have vanished. Five days go by until you finally showed up at our door with flowers and a promise ring. You told me you've been thinking and that you will change. I nodded. 

.

.  
I forgave you. 

.

.

 

I was foolish. 

 

The beatings didn't stop. I thought they would never end. One day, you came home with a complete stranger. I questioned you but, was meet with your fist instead. The unknown guy ran to me and took my face in his hands. Thinking I was saved, I cracked a small smile. Until he grabbed my face and kissed me. I was to shocked to fight back, let alone move. I heard you laughing at me. The unknown guy let go of my face and told me his name. 

 

Jongin. 

 

You left him alone with me. 

 

You left me with an unknown man. 

 

You whored me out to a guy I didn't even know for 2 minutes.

 

How could you? 

 

After he left, you came back with a smug look on your face. My eyes were bloodshot and my body was sore but, you didn't care. You slapped my already bruised face and told me to clean up. You walked out the house. 

.

.  
I forgave you. 

.

.

 

But I didn't forget. 

 

Now I'm sitting on top of this hill with a cigarette in one hand and a bottle of vodka in the other. My mind is as blank as my heart but, does that even matter to you? Every night, we meet up. Every night it get worse. Did you know that I gave you my innocence on our first anniversary? I thought you were special enough to me. I thought that you loved me. I guess that was just another lie. 

 

**You destroyed me.**

 

I remember when we used to date out in the open but, now, you keep me behind close doors. I see that you have another partner. You treat him with love. What did I do to make you hate me? Was I not nice enough? Did I anger you with my presence? 

 

Closing my eyes, I felt the wind blows through my hair as it carried the smoke from my cigarette. Frustration is all I feel. Why can't we go back to old times? I think to myself. I collapse on the ground. The cold earth soothes my raw back. Opening my eyes slightly, I look towards the stars that dance in the sky. 

 

I don't even know if I believe in you or miracles anymore but, God, can I get a sign? I just want to be free of all this pain. I don't know how long I can live like this before I crack. 

 

I let out a stiff laugh and closed my eyes again. That was dumb of me. It's not like he is going to listen to a low-life like me. Sighing, I let the vodka bottle roll from my hands. I was waiting to hear it smash against a tree but, was met with silence. 

 

I opened my eyes and shot up. I got dizzy and fell onto my back with a thud. The hard ground collide with my back once again but, I didn't care. 

 

"Are you okay?" 

 

Was someone talking to me or is it my imagination playing tricks on me? 

 

"Do you need help getting up?" 

 

I looked for the face that match the calm voice and saw an angelic, pale face boy looking at me.

 

"Who are you?" I asked.

 

My voice sounded foreign to my own ears. How long have I gone without talking to another person?

 

Weeks? Months? Maybe even years..? 

 

"I'm sorry. Where are my manners?! I'm Oh Sehun."

 

He reached his hand out towards me. Hesitantly, I shook it. A small smiled broke out across my face. 

.

.  
Oh Sehun. 

.

.  
My savior.

.

.  



	2. I'm Pitiful

.

.

I stayed with him.

.

.

**I can’t leave him.**

.

.

Even thou he is the reason my soul is black, even thou he is the reason I have so much self-hatred, I stayed with him. I stayed with the beatings; the constant rape by him and other people who he deemed “fit” to abuse my already wreaked body.

Before I met him, I would see all the colors of the world; notice all the small details that were on the sidewalk; notice that when bees sense a storm, they would fly in a group back to their hives. Now, it’s all different. Nothing in my life holds that same beauty. Every day, all I see is black and grey. No white because white is for pure people.

For people who haven’t been tainted with the darkness of the world.

The only time I see white is when I’m on the brink of passing out due to lack of air from the hands of the man I love.

.

.

**I’m just an empty shell of the person I once was.**

.

.

I can’t escape this never ending cycle. I tell myself that his beatings are how he shows love. If I bleed, it’s because I frustrated him beyond the point of no return. If I get raped, it’s because I didn’t give him the pleasure he deserved. If it’s too quiet around the apartment, it must be because I did something wrong. But I learned to never ask him if I have done wrong.

Last time that happened, I ended up being tied to a pole near the alley behind our home. Placing a collar on me, he told me to stay there till someone finds me and returns me back to him.

 

He left me there.

 

He left me all alone for 5 hours.

 

Rain started to fall, soaking my hair and clothes. I sat there in the pouring rain watching people run by me trying to get to shelter. The smart thing would have been to call out for help but, I couldn’t even muster up the courage to open my mouth.

Minutes passed. People started to disappear from the street. I realized that nobody cared to try and help me. After that realization, I cracked. My brain finally noticed my situation. My heart broke apart, leaving my soul exposed.

A high pitched scream was heard in my ears. I don’t know how long it had been going on but, I noticed it was coming from my own mouth. My body let all of my hidden frustrations out. Tears ran down my face as I continued to scream my soul away.

Eventually my voice faded away into the darkness, just like my mind. Before I blacked out, I noticed a black figure standing at the entrance of the alley.

Thinking it was the Angel of Death, I gladly welcomed him with a sincere smile.

.

.

White was all I saw once I awoke. The sounds of machines were heard all around me as I tried to move. Feeling a hand touch my shoulder, my eyes grew wide and I began to hyperventilate. Noticing my situation, the hand quickly left its previous place.

“Please calm down. I’m only here to help, young man.”

Did someone just show me some form of respect?

Taking deep breathes of air, I looked towards the person and saw that he was wearing a doctor’s robe. My first thought was that I need to run. If I’m here that means they have seen my scars. My body. Worst of all, they must have seen my collar and called him.

Tears threated to leave my eyes at that thought.

I tried to focus on the doctor but, to no avid. I heard him sigh and began trying to have a conversation with me.

“You are lucky someone found you. You were in a stage of severe hypothermia. If you would have remained out there, you would have surely died. Honestly, I’m surprised you survived that long due to your malnutrition.”

He turned to leave but before I could even process what he said, my mouth opened.

“Who found me?”

My voice was horse which caused me to cough at the dryness. Handing me a glass of water, the doctor smiled at me lightly.

 

“A boy named Shixun.”

 

Shixun?

 

Sounds familiar.

 

Taking my silence as a queue to leave, he bowed towards me promising to do another check-up once I’ve rested more. Sitting there, I took noticed of my body in the hospital gown. The doctor wasn’t lying. I was malnourished. Living off of cigarettes and alcohol wasn’t the best idea but, it made me feel happy.

.

.

What’s a little poison to something already tainted?

.

.

Ignoring my thoughts, I let me head hit the pillow. Sleep was a reward when I was home. So I decided to take my reward and run with it. Closing my eyes, my mind went back to the boy’s name. As I drifted off to sleep, I dreamt of me and Shixun meeting after this was all over.

 

Should I be grateful that he saved me?

 

Or be angry that he let me stay in a world that barely even noticed me?

 

I finally fell asleep.

.

.

I hope this is a sign that my life will get better..

.

.  



	3. I'm Sorry

* * *

 I was roughly jerked awake by strong arms that where oddly welcoming but, also the same arms that I feared. My eyes didn't even have time to focus on my surroundings before I felt an absurd amount of pain coming from my arms. As I was being lifted up to stand on my own, all I could see was cords and light blood splatter make it's way to the floor.

 

Finally standing, I glanced down at my arms and watched as blood drained from the new wounds. 

 

"Why are you such a fuck up? You can't even die correctly."

 

Words aren't suppose to hurt the dead but, his words cut me deeper than any knife would of. There was a long silence before I heard the echo of a slap landing on my left cheek. Tears weld in my blood shot eyes.

 

"Answer me. Why. Are. You. Such. A. Fuck. Up."

 

Air wasn't making it's way to my lungs fast enough for me to answer him before he grabbed my hair and pulled me closer to his face. The scent of cigarettes and spearmint hit my nose which caused me to momentarily forget how fucked up everything was.

 

"Speak, you dog."

 

Something triggered in my mind and I opened my mouth.

 

"Because-"

 

"Speak louder, dog."

 

That was my version of loud. My voice is damaged from all the screams, all the smoke that invades my body every time I want to forget, all the times I've been choked to near death, all the times I've cried so hard that my throat was left raw. 

 

.

 

.

**This is all I have in me.**

.

 

.

 

"Because I'm trash."

 

"Repeat it again."

 

"I'm trash."

 

He lets go of my hair and throws me crumpled up clothes. Hesitantly, I pull them closer to me. This was the first time in months, maybe even years, that he has ever given me clothes. Maybe things are changing. Maybe.

 

"Get dressed and make it fast, trash."

 

Maybe not.

 

I look down at my feet, inspect my legs; let my eyes run up towards my torso. Finally looking at my hands, I realized something.

 

.

 

.

I am trash.

.

 

.

**I am your trash.**

.

.

 


End file.
